


Loneliness of the Middle Distance Swimmer

by Supreme_Thunder



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Free! Eternal Summer, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-12 10:33:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2106432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supreme_Thunder/pseuds/Supreme_Thunder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto gets caught up in Sousuke's vengeance against Haru with unexpected consequences. </p><p>Disclaimer: The title is derived from the Belle and Sebastian song "Loneliness of the Middle Distance Runner" off their "Jonathan David" EP. </p><p>[I've edited the story since I first published it, adding a song to every chapter to define the mood. This will be a continuing theme for the entire work.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Mila has made a playlist for this fic composed of the songs I've used, along with some lovely cover art. I urge you to check it out if you happen to come across this amateur fic of mine:  
> http://8tracks.com/milanumber14/loneliness-of-the-middle-distance-swimmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The view from inside Makoto Tachibana's head. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Loneliness of the Middle Distance Runner by Belle and Sebastian (Album: Jonathan David EP)

Makoto Tachibana is 15 years old. He’s sprawled on his bed, feet hanging off the edge, too tall for his age, too stupid to know better, too self-depreciatingly sweet to mind being told that he’s too stupid to know better. Still, inevitable tears gather at the far corners of his overwhelmingly green eyes. He hums along to the song playing softly in his earbuds.

**_I take a second of the day  
To think about the things that we have done this year_ **

He knows what it makes him feel like, though the words make no sense. Alone in his room with nothing but the soft jangling notes ringing softly in his ears, he feels like he doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone. It’s not that he feels bad about doing horribly on his geography exam. It’s that his mother laughed it off, like it was something she expected, like she knew he couldn’t do any better. It’s that Haru shrugged and told him not to bother instead of telling him to try harder, to do better next time.

**_The dark lies down the pouring rain  
I'm underneath the smoker's railway arch again _ **

Makoto scrunches his eyes shut, frowning until his forehead brims with pain and all the leftover tears squeeze out, running down his sunburnt cheeks. He hates feeling like this. He wishes for someone to scream at, to throw things at; someone stronger to hold him tight while he struggles to wrench himself free. His cheeks burn at the thought, and he hates himself for thinking it, but Makoto Tachibana, 15 and sad, wants someone to stand up for him because he cannot.

17 years old now, he’s not much different. He likes the same music for starters, and rarely updates his playlist despite Nagisa’s many offers to do it for him. He doesn’t cry anymore though. He’s stronger that way now, but he still watches horror films from under the blankets while Nagisa does his best to get him to peek at the worst moments, while Rei tries to explain how illogical the plot is.

But his grades are the same, and he still swims without thinking. He still swims because Haru swims, and because he thinks he isn’t good for anything else.  
But without his knowing, without his realizing it, things have started to change. Feelings buried deep for so long, so far beneath that he’s forgotten them, threaten to resurface. Walking home from school, a familiar song comes on, and he finds himself humming along effortlessly. He still doesn’t know what the words mean. He still knows how they’re supposed to make him feel.

**_The future's looking colorful_ **

He stops just outside Haru’s house, his feet glued to the stone steps. Turning around to look up at the open sky, he breathes the late summer air. Smiling to himself, full of strange anticipation, he walks inside. He feels like for the first time in his life, he has a secret behind his ever-present smile. He doesn’t know what it is yet, but he cannot wait to find out.

**_It's the color of blood, chaos and corruption of a happy soul, a happy soul…_ **


	2. The Gathering Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Haru's house, members of the Iwatobi Swim Club discuss the confrontation between Haru and Sousuke. 
> 
> (Based on the HC that the confrontation was witnessed by a snooping Rei who texted everyone about it right away).
> 
> Chapter Song: Lucky You by The National (Album: Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers)

“It’s nothing Makoto, really”, Haru insisted once again.

  
Nagisa was reeling with his usual brand of overhasty rage while Rei hung onto his left arm, trying to keep the table from upending. Four teacups rested on it dejectedly, their contents getting colder by the minute.

  
“He cannot say such things to you, Haru-chan! He has no right!” Nagisa shrieked while pounding the table with his free fist.

  
Makoto hurriedly picked up the cups from the table and carried them off to the kitchen sink. He knew Haru hated messes, however well-meant their cause. Leaning over the sink, Makoto brushed his hair out of his eyes and considered the situation.

  
_Yamazaki_.

  
Just when he thought everything was settled among them, just when it was supposed to be going well, someone like Yamazki barged in and disturbed the perfect balance. They were to graduate soon-him, Haru, and Rin.

  
_And Sousuke, slinking in like an afterthought. And how long had it been since Makoto even saw the brusque, overbearing lout? What concern was he of Makoto’s? Not Sousuke. They were not on first name basis. Yamazaki. That was all. A cold, distant name like his sharp, icy eyes_.

**_Are those dreams inside you head?_ _  
Is there sunlight on your bed?_ **

  
This was supposed to be a golden year, the one they would look back at in 30 years and smile. Makoto laughed at his own sentimentality. It was the one thing Haru made fun of him for, though never in front of Nagisa and Rei. Not even Rin. It was between them, their shared teasing. Once a month, Makoto would walk to Haru’s house in the late evening, and the two would go sit on the beach together and talk. Haru would only really talk to Makoto, and Makoto cherished every word. Nagisa and Rei liked to go into town together once in a while, sneaking off, making excuses. Makoto knew, but he let them keep their little secret, even pinching Haru’s thigh once or twice to keep him from blurting out how everyone knew. Haru showed him the marks afterwards, smiling sideways, and asked him to kiss them better. Makoto knew it was a joke, but he still blushed, which made Haru smile even more and ruffle the taller boy’s hair.

  
Makoto envied the two second-years and their secret trysts, but he was also thankful for their absences (more frequent with every month that passed) because it meant talking to Haru. Sitting on the cooling sand, watching the waves grow ever close, Makoto would tease Haru about his dreams of mermaids and kingdoms under the sea. And Haru would laugh- such a rare thing his laugh- at Makoto’s sentimental speculations about their future, his idealized recollections of their childhood together.

  
Makoto often found himself wondering if Rin and Haru talked like this. If Rin knew about the sea dreams. He would wonder about certain evenings when he was left on his own, or playing third wheel to the kitten and his pet dork, without a trace of Haru. He wondered if Haru and Rin had evenings in the city together, like Nagisa and Rei, sitting by ponds, feeding ducks, going to aquariums, laughing, whispering in each other’s ears their ambitions, their secrets…

  
Lately, this thought had made him less jealous than envious. Lately, Makoto found himself wanting to stay in and be by himself.

  
Like a bolt of lightning, the penetrating blue gaze of Samezuka’s new freestyle swimmer pierced its way into Makoto’s skull. Instead of the anger his teammates were feeling, Makoto felt a pang of something he could not quite call hatred for Sousuke, but was just as powerful. He hated watching Haru shake with regret and horror, thinking he had anything to do with Rin’s breakdown last year. Makoto knew Rin had his own way of going about things, and he knew Haru was guiltless. But he also knew Haru blamed himself for what happened, even without Sousuke’s outburst, even though this was one issue the two friends had never discussed with each other. Now that things were back to normal with Rin, Makoto wanted to pretend the chasm between them had never existed.

  
_Not Sousuke though. Not yet. Yamazaki. But what did it matter what Makoto called him inside his own head? Sousuke. It’s simpler, softer, like an early autumn wind whispering through tall dying grass by the sea…_

  
But now Sousuke had come. And in a matter of minutes, he had pulled out all the mess Makoto spent so much time cleaning up and piling away. Whether he knew it or not, Makoto was the glue that held them all together. His calmness, his constantly accommodating demeanour anchored the other four. His willingness to listen, to pat on the back without asking for anything in return made his friends turn to him whenever there was a problem, confident that while Makoto was smiling everyone would be fine, and everything would work out.

**_You could’ve made a safer bet_ _  
But what you break is what you get_ **

  
But now, Makoto was not sure about his ability to contain disaster. He was beginning to realize that the recent resolution with Rin was not a lasting peace, but the clam before a storm. It was keeping him up nights and it was making him avoid his friends, and he hated feeling like this. He could hear the enraged shouting from the other room, but he felt glued to the kitchen floor, unwilling to return to Haur’s side. He knew what he was supposed to do. He had to go back and sit down next to Haru. He had to softly place his right hand on Haru’s left, to calm the subtle shaking that overtook his friend whenever something like this happened.

  
_Something like this._

  
Rin was that something. Rin was always what happened. It was always Rin. Rin forcing his way into the group, Rin becoming the one to walk next to Haru after school, always a bit too fast for Makoto to keep up. Rin sitting next to Haru in class, while Makoto sat behind them. Rin being at Haru’s house in the evening before Makoto got there. Rin leaving for Australia, leaving a shuddering mess behind. A mess Makoto had to clean up, though at the time he couldn’t help but gloat a little, having Haru back to himself. Makoto had felt so disgusted by this thought that he couldn't look in the mirror for a week after without wanting to hurt himself. The thought that Haru’s pain should bring him even the tiniest, fleeting moment of selfish joy, however unintended, made Makoto nauseous.

  
The years in between had been calmer, softer. And Makoto thought he knew everything there was to know about Haru. But then Rin returned, and a different story unfolded before Makoto’s eyes. A story he had no part in, a parallel narrative that never intersected with his, that had taken its own course. Haru’s story had been hidden from Makoto’s gaze, while Makoto spilled all his secret wishes and dreams, like so much vomit, sitting next to Haru on the beach. Had Haru even listened to half of it? Had his mind been somewhere else the whole time?

  
Him and Haru. There were moments in the stretch of years between them turning 15 and Rin’s return when Makoto had thought that there could be something more between them. He would go home after their evenings at the beach and stay awake for hours, smiling at Haru’s laugh, thinking of it as a kiss. A kiss meant only for Makoto. But that softly blossoming dream of a future passion had been put out when Rin returned. Makoto kept smiling, but he no longer meant it. His eyes began to grow distant, but no one noticed. At least not as far as Makoto knew.

****

**_You wake up in the bed you make_ **

**_And think you’ve made a big mistake_ **

  
With a sprawling effort, he lifted his head up from the sink and turned around. Rei was standing against the fridge, looking at him with his eyebrows raised.

  
“How long have you been here?” Makoto asked, flustered, his ears reddening again.

  
“Long enough” Rei smirked. “You want to talk about what’s going on with you senpai?”

  
Rei’s formalities only made him more endearing to his friends. Nagisa was the only one who got Rei’s verbal armour to drop, but Makoto knew he cared about the rest of them just the same. Just not in a way that made him want to stick his tongue down their throats behind the school’s bicycle shed to taste the sakura mochi they’d had for breakfast. That was something Rei reserved for Nagisa, and Makoto was thankful for it.

  
“Talk about what, Rei? There’s nothing to say” Makoto surprised himself with the bitterness of his response. Instead of being angry, Rei smiled understandingly and pulled on his arm, taking him back to the living room and depositing him next to Haru.

  
Unable to look at Haru after the surge of disconcerting emotions he had just felt, Makoto stared at his hands instead, his ears deaf to Nagisa’s shouting and Rei’s reassuring laughter. He felt Haru’s glance find him and rest on his face, questioning his short absence, but he could not look up. Something had risen out of his core like bitter bile, and was threatening to engulf him and poison him. He had no idea what was happening to him. He hated this sudden loss of control, he hated that he couldn’t smile for Haru.  
Suddenly, the room went quiet. Nagisa was no longer badmouthing Sousuke. Haru stopped shaking and trying to pretend everything was okay. Rei was no longer laughing. Makoto was horrified to realize that they were all staring at him, and it angered him. Looking up at Haru, Makoto held his gaze without breaking into his usual reassuring grin.

  
“You and Rin always do this, always. You make a mess and the rest of us have to run after you, cleaning it up. If Rin is anything like you, I can understand why Sousuke said what he did. And now it’s my turn to retaliate right? This is what you expect me to do, right?”

  
Haru just stared with his mouth slightly open. Suddenly, Nagisa was by his side, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, uttering a sweetly concerned “Mako chan?”  
And suddenly it was all too much. He realized it was Haru’s hand he had been waiting for to calm him. But Haru was preoccupied with Rin. That was how it was always going to be. Even now, Haru was more willing to feel bad for hurting Rin than letting Makoto comfort him.

  
Makoto felt a surge of hatred against Sousuke. He knew he was making the blue-eyed asshole a scapegoat, but he didn’t care. If it was going to be between alienating his friends even more or going up against a crass stranger, he would rather take his rage out on Sousuke.

He leapt up and walked out, leaving the other three gaping in a shocked silence.

  
He would walk all the way to Samezuka, right now, no matter what it took, and deal with this.

**_You own me, there’s nothing you can do_ **

**_You own me_ **

**_Lucky you…_ **


	3. Nightfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto runs into Sousuke outside the Samezuka dormitory. 
> 
> (Sousuke is a smoker in this fic because he's an ass like that. Plus he wears leather jackets and listens to Joy Division a lot).
> 
> Chapter Song: Do I Wanna Know by the Arctic Monkeys (Album: AM)

When he arrived outside the Samezuka dorm, it was almost 11 at night and every window was dark. Makoto swore at himself and kicked an empty can littering the ground. He should have thought this through. It was not like Makoto to take heedless action. He was afraid of who he had turned into in a matter of 24 hours. He felt a stranger to himself. Cursing under his breath, he turned to go, his shoulders slumped, tears forming in the corners of his eyes, tears after such a long drought of self-control and emotional denial, when he heard an echoing laugh drifting up from a dark corner.

Quickly rubbing his eyes to hide the evidence of his breakdown, he turned around expecting to see Rin. Instead he got a lungful of cigarette smoke blown in his face. Coughing and half-blind, Makoto tried to make out the silhouette of the figure facing him. The first thing that struck him were the dark, deep blue eyes, deep as a sea at sunset, observing him calmly through a curtain of thinning smoke.

Without thinking, Makoto flung out a fist, intending to hurt, to bruise. With a lightning-flash reflex, Sousuke caught his arm, twisted it around, and suddenly Makoto felt himself pulled up with his back against Sousuke’s chest. Anger gave way to surprise, and then his rage overtook him once more. He struggled, spat, cursed and shouted, trying to wriggle out of Sousuke’s grip but could not.

**_Have you no idea that you're in deep?_ **   
_**I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week** _   
_**How many secrets can you keep**?_

“You look stronger than this. This is making me think you’re enjoying being manhandled” Sousuke laughed again, and suddenly let go.

Makoto plunged forward and away from his captor, lost his balance, and fell to the ground. Turning back, he saw Sousuke calmly gazing down at him. Suddenly, his anger left him. He felt broken, helpless, alone.

“You’re here for your revenge, I know. Let’s get it over with. I’d challenge you to a swim but that’s how Rin lets out his sexual frustration for your boyfriend. I’d rather ask you to take off your shirt and try and pin me to the ground” Sousuke leered at Makoto in a way that made his ears redden.

“Whoever manages to sit on the other’s chest and makes him say ‘Haru is an asshole’ first wins, okay?” Sousuke said, putting out his cigarette against the brick wall, and advancing on Makoto like a hulking shadow.

Makoto felt his throat drying up, unable to respond, tears threatening to break through again any minute.

He remained on the ground, trying not to collapse completely.

**_So have you got the guts?  
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts_ **

 

“He’s not my boyfriend” he heard himself say, “I don’t know why I came here. I don’t know why I thought I owed this to Haru. I’m a shit friend, and I hate myself. You can do what you want, I won’t fight you, it’s not your fault” Makoto found the words leave his tongue before he had thought them through.

After a silence that seemed to last an eternity, Makoto felt a strong hand grab his shoulder, lifting him up. He looked up to see a pair of concerned blue eyes staring at him, and he blushed. Sousuke laughed and reached out to brush the tears away from Makoto’s eyes which had rushed out unbidden at this strange act of kindness.

 **_Simmer down and pucker up_ ** **_  
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you_ **

Overcome with shame and disbelief at what had occurred, Makoto shook off Sousuke’s hand and ran. Behind him, a familiar voice questioned “Makoto? Was that Makoto? What was he doing here, Sousuke? What was with all the shouting?” And a voice as rough as a stormy sea echoed back his name, “Ma-ko-to, is it now?” Sousuke sounded out every syllable of his name as if weighing it carefully, calculating. And then the same deep, self-assured laugh.

**_Do I wanna know_ **

**_If this feeling flows both ways…_ **


	4. Rushing Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke shows up at Makoto's house and things start to get complicated. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Spitting Games by Snow Patrol (Album: Final Straw)

The morning after his first encounter with Sousuke outside the Samezuka dorm, Makoto had skipped school and stayed home. The whole day, he lay face down on his bed, unable to think straight. In the evening, the doorbell rang and Makoto’s mother answered it. He heard distant voices over the muted sound of his record player. Suspecting it was Haru or Rei come to ask why he’d missed school, he stayed where he was, refusing to acknowledge any visitors. The door to his room opened and someone walked in with heavy shuffling footsteps. Not Haru. Not Rei. Not Nagisa. Not even Rin. Puzzled, Makoto turned around to see Sousuke looming over him, looking slightly amused.

Blood rushed to Makoto’s head, his ears suddenly felt so hot he thought they’d caught fire.

  
_**I'm far too shy to speak to you at school** _   
_**You leave me numb and I'm not sure why** _

He tried to ask Sousuke what he wanted, but no words came out of his slightly parted lips.

“So, are you going to at least ask me to sit down?” Sousuke inquired, looking around the room. His eyes rested on the small whale plush Haru had given Makoto a couple of years ago for his birthday, and his smile widened, his expression turned strangely triumphant. Confused, Makoto blushed even more furiously.

Finally Makoto managed to stutter a “hello”. Taking this timid greeting as an invitation, Sousuke calmly planted himself next to Makoto on the bed, instead of the chair Makoto was shakily pointing at.

_Inappropriate and brash. Isn’t that a great combination? No wonder he’s Rin’s best friend._

“I think I’ll be more comfortable on the bed, but if you’re so nervous about sitting next to me, you’re welcome to take the chair”, Sousuke grinned at Makoto.

_So he can read my mind now? Great._

“Do you speak at all? Or is your room a silence zone?”

_Why am I frozen? Why won’t the words come out?_

“Right then. I guess I’ll do the talking.”

Sousuke sighed and ran a firm hand through his uneven black hair, staring straight ahead.

“Rin and I, we have a history, and I blamed Haru for Rin leaving me. My anger was irrational, but I was afraid of losing Rin- of losing Rin to Haru.”

_Precise. Direct. Words like the sharpened edge of a well-kept blade. And here I am, a blunt butter knife, gaping wordlessly. How stupid he must think me…_

There was a slight pause during which Makoto felt himself relax a little despite his agitation. The heat from Sousuke’s body, the nearness of it, seemed to be calming him. His ears went even redder when he realized this.

Sousuke turned to look at Makoto. The blue eyes softened as they met the deep green ones. The stormy sea gazing into a still, shadowy forest pool, deeper than the oldest story, losing itself…

**_My heart is bursting in your perfect eyes  
As blue as oceans and as pure as skies_ **

“I mean, I can’t lose Rin as a friend. He’s my best friend. At least I think he is. But you know, he’s a friend. I don’t know about you and Haru, but I guess you feel the same way about him that I do about Rin. Because you’re Haru’s best friend, right?”

_How many times is he going to say ‘friend’?_

“Er, yes. I am. And I know what you mean. It’s okay, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. Maybe you should apologize to Haru though. He already blames himself for what happened with Rin”. Looking straight at Sousuke, Makoto finally found the nerve to speak up.

“Finally, some acknowledgement” Sousuke laughed and slapped Makoto on the back.

Makoto gasped in surprise at the rough contact between them.

Sousuke looked slightly ashamed of himself.

“I, um, sorry did I hurt you? I didn’t think. I, um…”, his words trailed off, and Makoto smiled at hearing them.

“No. No you didn’t hurt me. You just took me by surprise. I’m only used to being _manhandled_ by Nagisa, but he’s more like an overgrown kitten, and you…well you’re not a kitten…”, Makoto replied, still unable to stop smiling.

Sousuke’s pale cheeks turned a light shade of pink at the use of ‘mandhandled’, but he didn't let it put him off for long.

“Nagisa, he’s that little jumpy penguin isn’t he? He, um, manhandle you a lot then?” Sousuke asked through slightly narrowed eyes.

“He’s just, he has no boundaries you know. A little bit like you.” Makoto surprised himself with his response.

“Oh”, Sousuke sounded disappointed.

_I’m not as witty as I think then. God he thinks I insulted him._

“No I mean, he’s just you know, he’s like that with all of us. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Sorry.” Makoto blurted out. And he realized that his hand had found its way to Souske’s upper arm and was lightly resting on it. Sousuke seemed to have lost the power of speech temporarily, and was staring at Makoto’s hand.

**_I struggle for the words and then give up  
My head's up with the birds and the seagulls_ **

“I’m sorry. I’m just talking without thinking. Haru would have stopped me by now. Or Rei would have changed the subject. But I can’t seem to be able to stop myself from being stupid when I’m on my own. I’ll shut up now.” Makoto kept blabbing, his hand still on Sousuke’s arm.

_Why can’t I move it? What is wrong with me? Why won’t he look at me?_

Still looking at Makoto’s hand on his arm, Sousuke whispered hoarsely, “But you’re not on your own right now.”

**_Please take your time I'm not in any rush  
And it's in everything I ever touched_ **


	5. First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up between Makoto and Sousuke. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Keen on Boys by The Radio Dept. (Album: Lesser Matters)

Slowly, Sousuke lifted his head and met Makoto’s confused gaze. He looked serious, determined almost. Before Makoto could say anything else, he felt Sousuke reach behind his head. He felt a strong hand gently grab a fistful of his hair. He felt himself being pushed towards Sousuke. He felt Sousuke’s thin, rough lips against his own. He felt his mouth open, and he felt Sousuke’s tongue brushing his lips, reaching inside. He felt like he was drowning, he felt like he was lost. He closed his eyes and let the feeling wash over him. He raised his left hand and softly touched Sousuke’s cheek. The grip on his hair grew stronger, the kiss fiercer. Makoto felt breathless, out of his depth entirely. He didn’t want this to stop. He wanted Sousuke to have his breath, his soul, his life. He felt like he had never belonged to himself. He felt like he was finally where he was supposed to be.

**_Already dead_ **  
_**So kill my head** _  
_**There's a sun in his eyes** _  
_**It won't go away** _

There was a slight knock on the door. Almost gasping for air, Sousuke quickly broke the kiss. They sat in stunned silence for what seemed like an eternity before Makoto found his senses, and managed to sound out his usual, chirpy “come in”. His mother entered the room with two glasses of barley tea.

Makoto thought; this is when he leaves. He gets up, says he’s late for something or other, can’t stay for long, sorry about the bother. This is when he goes away and pretends nothing happened. This is when he goes away, back to Rin and tells him about the stupid thing he did with a stupid boy and they laugh about it together.

_And when I see him again, he won’t know me, and my heart will break._

“Thanks Mrs. Tachibana. This is just what I need right now.” Sousuke took the glass from Makoto’s mother with a smile that would have charmed the moon out of its orbit and sent it crashing into the earth.

“So you’re Rin’s friend then? From Samezuka? Does this mean you’re my son’s rival?” Makoto’s mother asked playfully.

“Haha something like that, yes. But I come in peace today. Sorry if I'm a bother.” Sousuke turned the charm up a notch.

“Not at all. Makoto dear, we’re stepping out for a while. I’ve left your dinner out. I would ask you to come with us, but I can see you’re busy.” Mrs. Tachibana left her son’s room more than a little confused. Makoto didn’t make friends easily, and this boy was completely unknown to her. But Makoto seemed at home with him, so she let it be.

“Close call, huh?” Sousuke chuckled, and downed his tea in one go. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and smiled at Makoto again.

“So, should we continue? And does this room have a lock at all, or do I have to kick Rin out and invite you to my room next time?”

“Next time?”

“Well, I’m not a one-night stand you know.”

“I mean. We just met. We don’t know each other that well.”

“I just tasted the chocolate you had probably an hour ago from the inside of your mouth. I’d say we sort of know each other now?”

“But…”

“But what? Listen, I don’t know what it is, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since last night. If I didn’t come see you today I would have gone mad. And yes, I didn’t come to apologize actually, I came to ‘manhandle’ you some more. So there. Now you know.”

“You came to my house with the specific purpose of kissing me?”

“Well, kissing is part of it. So does this room have a lock or what?”

Sousuke answered his own question by walking to the door, and snapping the lock shut. “Just in case”, he smirked.

He took off his leather jacket and put it on the chair. Underneath, he was wearing a plain white t-shirt, a little too tight, defining every muscle on his torso. Not that Makoto hadn’t seen him shirtless before. But this was somehow more intimate.

**_He would never sleep_ **  
_**Said I didn't mind it at all** _  
_**Made me feel quite cheap** _  
_**Looking back on it all** _

With measured steps, Sousuke walked back to Makoto and stood in front of him, looking down. He took Makoto’s face in both hands and leaned down to kiss him again. Then he  sat down next to Makoto and worked his way down Makoto’s neck, slowly, deliberately. He pulled back, and took Makoto’s shirt off. Makoto no longer knew what he was doing, no longer felt anything but the warmth filling him. Sousuke pushed Makoto back onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Trailing kisses down his chest, Sousuke’s tongue found Makoto’s right nipple and teased it until Makoto was moaning with uncontrollable pleasure, his hardness driving him mad. Sousuke got up, and pulled off Makoto’s pants, then his underwear. 

He stood back for a minute, admiring the view, then took off his clothes. Makoto saw that Sousuke was just as aroused as he was.  Urgently, he leapt forward and found Sousuke’s lips again, but Sousuke pushed him back down. Suddenly Makoto grabbed Sousuke around the back and they both rolled about on the bed until Makoto was on top.

Triumphant, he sat up on Sousuke’s chest, leaned down, and whispered “You’re the asshole, you know”.

What happened next was a blur. Sousuke managed to turn things around soon after and Makoto found himself under the taller, stronger boy again. He preferred it this way, he realized pleasantly. Sousuke pushed Makoto’s legs apart and they began to push up against each other, thrusting, moaning, uncertain of what to do, drowning in their shared lust, until they both came. Sousuke remained on top of Makoto for what felt like an eternity of pure joy, his head over Makoto’s left shoulder, breathing heavily, their sweat and cum mingling together.  

**_Then there was this kiss_ **   
_**He said that he couldn't resist** _   
_**And was I aware of what I missed?** _

Afterwards, Makoto couldn’t stop smiling, and Sousuke looked pretty pleased with himself.

“I didn’t know you were this easy, you know” Sousuke blurted out.

Makoto’s body suddenly clenched tight next to Sousuke's, and he stopped smiling.

“God, no, no that’s not what I mean. I’m such an idiot. No I mean I thought you’d tell me to fuck off and leave because I was mean to Haru or something.” Sousuke apologized furiously, raising himself on an elbow, and planting a kiss on Makoto’s chest.

Makoto let out a cold sigh at the sound of Haru’s name.

“Now I feel like I’ve betrayed him.”

“No, no you have not. I should never have said that, God I’m sorry I can’t seem to find the right words when I’m looking at you, it all just comes out so haphazardly.”

“It’s okay” Makoto reached out and ruffled Sousuke’s sweaty hair.

“I should get going before your family comes back.”

“I’ll walk you the station”

“What a gentleman”

Makoto reached for a magazine and threw it at Sousuke’s head.

Smiling incessantly, they both cleaned up and got dressed.

Outside the station, just out of sight, they shared a kiss.

**_Nothing assumed but you know?_ **   
_**You know…** _   
_**In the morning we said nothing at all** _

Makoto walked home with a heart as light as air. He would not let anything mar this unexpected joy.

Walking up to his house, Makoto saw Rei, Nagisa and Haru waiting on his front porch. Suddenly, the joy left him, and guilt replaced it as his gaze met Haru’s.

_Will Sousuke feel the same way when he goes back to Rin? No, he won’t. He came to find me. He came to kiss me._

A traitorous smile stole across his face before he could stop it. He walked up to his friends, made up a lie about having gone for a solitary walk to clear his head. He couldn’t bring himself to look at them as he let them in and sat them down in the living room. He kept his head down as they all cajoled him, apologized for whatever they’d done that had upset him. He brought them matcha in unmatched cups and kept his gaze on the tea while serving it to them. He said goodbye after reassuring them that everything was alright. He came back to his room, and fell onto his bed again, face down. It smelled of him and Sousuke. Tired, guilty, and uncertain; but he still couldn’t wipe the stupid happy grin off his face. He went to sleep smiling, and dreamt of whale songs and uncharted worlds under the cold blue sea.

 


	6. Devastation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't work out quite the way Makoto thought they would. Angst abounds. 
> 
> Chapter Song: I Just Don't Understand by Spoon (Album: They Want My Soul)

The next day after school, Makoto couldn’t stop fidgeting. There was an urge within him that he could not beat down, no matter how hard he tried. Still in his uniform, he walked out of his house, all the way to see a pair of blue eyes that haunted his every waking minute, walking ceaselessly without another thought in his head. By the time Makoto reached Samezuka, it was dark and the sharp night air was cold inside his lungs. His feet hurt, and his eyes were dazed.

Sousuke was standing outside in his preferred dark corner, smoking. When he saw Makoto approaching him, he frowned. Shaking his head as if getting rid of a temporary nuisance, he quickly recomposed his face.

“Back for more then eh, Iwatobi?” Sousuke grinned as he moved forward to plant a rough kiss on Makoto’s forehead.

Makoto fell forward, and collapsed into Sousuke arms, suddenly weak and dizzy.

“Makoto…?” Sousuke was surprised to hear his own voice sounding heavy with concern, almost hoarse.

“I’m fine, I’m okay. Just need some water, I think.” Makoto whispered into Sousuke’s chest.

“What’s going on Sou?” Rin suddenly came upon them from behind, puzzled.

Sousuke froze, his arms stiffening around Makoto. A rigidness more painful than that engulfing his body swept all over Makoto like a wave.

_Now is when he leaves…_

After a moment, Sousuke’s arms relaxed and he propped Makoto up against himself, held him closer.

“If you use your eyes Rin, you will notice that I am trying to hold up this very strong, very beautiful friend of yours up by myself, and failing at it.” Sousuke’s voice was filled with playful disdain.

“Makoto? What happened? What are you doing here at this time of night?” Rin inquired breathlessly, his eyes lingering over Sousuke’s arms secured firmly around Makoto’s torso.

“I, I don’t know Rin, really. I walked all the way here and I think I’m dehydrated. I’ll be okay.” Makoto tried his best not to blush as he breathed in Sousuke’s light cologne mixed with the smell of the cigarette he’d just finished smoking.

 “Why don’t we get him inside, give him a glass of water, and then interrogate him?” Sousuke sneered at Rin.

“Oh, yeah. I mean yeah. Here let me help.” Supported by his friend and the boy he had just realized he was falling in love with, Makoto found himself being escorted into Sousuke’s dorm room. They sat him on a chair, and Rin handed him a bottle of water, looking concerned as well as confused.

“Should I call Haru? Haru should know about this.” Rin started rummaging about on his desk to find his phone.

“No. There is no need to call Nanase. Can’t you go one day without needing to call him?” Sousuke’s voice was so full of cold, disdainful hatred that Makoto felt his heart seize in his chest.

**_Well, you call me your baby_ **   
**_When you're holding my hand_ **   
**_But the way that you hurt me_ **   
**_I just don't understand_ **

 

“Sousuke? Why do you even care? Haru would be worried about Makoto. Haru would want to know. I know that.” Rin sounded angry, stubborn.

“Will you for once, listen to me, and not call your fucking boyfriend? Please?” Sousuke stood up, legs apart, hair awry. Makoto reached out and clung to his left hand, looking up at Sousuke’s face, stunned.

“Sousuke…” Makoto’s voice was uncertain, distant.

“Wait a minute…What is this? Makoto, why are you holding his hand? What is going on here? What is this, Sousuke?” Rin’s anger was suddenly replaced by complete confusion.

“What’s going on here is that Makoto came to see me, but before I got a chance to talk to him, he kind of fainted, and then you came barging into the picture, ruining the mood.” Sousuke replied in a flat voice, trying to stop his face from going red, trying to sound casual.

“Ruining the mood…what mood? What’s going on between you two?” Rin’s eyes narrowed, his lips a straight white line, threatening to disappear at any moment.

“Sousuke and I, we’re…we’re together, aren’t we?” Makoto dreaded Sousuke’s response, Rin’s reaction, but the words still toppled out from his lips, like late summer rain.

“When I told you that night that I was going to hunt down your pretty, green-eyed friend, you thought I was kidding, didn’t you?” Sousuke replied, almost laughing.

“I…” Rin had nothing to say. He limply sat down on his bed, staring at the two of them in disbelief.

Sousuke shrugged off Makoto’s hand and faced Rin. “You didn’t think I would do it, did you?”

“Do what…?” Makoto began to shake, trying not to succumb to the feeling of cold, icy dread in his chest.

“Mako…” Rin’s voice was starting to break.

“Makoto, here’s the thing. No one just comes up to your house to kiss you without really knowing you. At least I don’t. I wanted to let Rin know how I felt when he ditched me for Haru. Plus when Haru finds his best friend made out with the boy who left him so very distraught, that would probably break him, won't it? At least that’s what I’m hoping for. I thought if I fucked you, I’d kill two birds with one stone. Sorry for the hurt feelings or whatever, but you really need to be less trusting of strangers. I thought it would take me at least 3 or 4 attempts to get into your pants but, like I said the other day, you’re surprisingly easy.” Sousuke’s cold, dead stare pierced Makoto’s heart. He felt darkness inside him, and a kind of hurt he didn’t know he could live through.

**_Well, you say that you need me_ **   
**_Like an ocean needs sand_ **   
**_But the way you mistreat me_ **   
**_I just don't understand_ **

“Stop it, please.” It was Rin who broke the frigid silence enveloping the room in the wake of Sousuke’s words.

Sousuke laughed. Heartless. So, so cold.

Makoto wrapped his arms around himself; gripped himself so hard he went numb.

“Leave. Now. Please. Sousuke.” Rin had gotten up and moved over to Makoto, placing a protective arm around his friend’s broad shoulders.

Sousuke observed them through placid blue eyes, deep and still, an ocean of nothing.

Smirking, shaking his head, not looking at Makoto at all, Sousuke walked out.

**_Well, you know that I love you_ **   
_**More than anyone can** _   
_**But a one-sided love** _   
_**I just don't understand** _

“Mako…?” Rin ruffled his hair and tried to get him to look up from the floor.

“I want to go now Rin. Please take me home. I can’t by myself. Don’t tell Haru. Please, Rin. I can’t…” Makoto broke down mid-sentence. Hist tears traced a river down his ashen face.

“Right. Okay. Yes. Let’s go.” Rin helped Makoto out of the chair. They stumbled all the way back to Iwatobi without stopping; not talking, not looking at each other.

Rin helped Makoto find his keys, and went inside with him. He was afraid Makoto might fall before he made it to his room. Makoto was still wearing his shoes. His shaking hands tried to undo his shoelaces and failed. Rin held both his friend’s hands in his own and sat with Makoto until he stopped trembling. He helped him take off his shoes and jacket, and tucked him in. Makoto seemed to have lost his sense of self, his wholeness.

**_Oh honey, you hurt me_ **   
_**And you don't understand**_  
 _ **You just don't understand**_

Before Rin left, Makoto grabbed his hand. “You will not tell Haru about this, Rin. Promise me.”

Rin smiled a tired smile. “I won’t. I swear, Mako. I won’t.”

As soon as he closed the door to Makoto’s house behind him, Rin took out his phone and called Rei. 


	7. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto tries to come to terms with things, with a little help from his friends. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Palatial Disappointment by Baths (Album: Cerulean)

Makoto slept a dreamless sleep. In the morning, he was woken by his little brother, jumping up and down on his bed, and his little sister shouting at him to leave Makoto alone.

He lay still in his bed, trying his best to push the memories of the last few days out of his head. Sighing deeply, he forced a smile on his face, his head hurting from the effort it took. Gently, he picked up his little brother and deposited him on the floor, and shooed his siblings out of his room. With slow, measured movements, he washed his face, brushed his teeth, combed his dishevelled hair, and put on his uniform.

 

**_All the classical music in the world couldn't bleed as deeply as a broken-hearted teenager…_**

 

Smiling at his mother and father, he forced down a cup of tea and some toast. Walking out the front door, he almost tripped and fell on Nagisa. Rei caught him just in time. They both looked surprised to see him dressed for school.

“What are you two doing here?” Makoto tried to keep his voice casual.

“Ummm, we wanted to err…walk to school with you on such a lovely morning…” Rei fidgeted with his glasses, trying to sound innocent.

Nagisa was looking right at Makoto, unable to hide his concern. Without any notice, he threw his arms around Makoto and hugged him so hard Makoto felt the air knocked right out of his lungs.

“Mako-chan” he whispered into Makoto’s chest.

“Rin told you guys, huh?” Makoto asked in a dead voice.

 

**_Broken-hearted teenager_ **

 

“He was worried, Makoto senpai. He was panicking and he didn’t know what to do, so he called me.” Rei tried to explain the situation.

“And let me guess, Nagisa just happened to be there with you when Rin called?” Makoto smiled despite himself.

Detaching himself from Makoto, Nagisa moved to Rei’s side, blushing.

“I knew you knew, Mako-chan.” Nagisa beamed at Makoto, while Rei adamantly looked at his feet, trying not to acknowledge that his relationship with Nagisa was finally out in the open.

“Well, yes. So does Haru. We’ve both known for a while now.” Mako felt his mood lighten despite his heavy heart in his friends’ company.

“What have we both known?” Haru walked up to them and placed a steady hand on Makoto’s shoulder.

Makoto froze.

_Rin promised he wouldn’t tell._

“Haru-chan? What brings you here?” Nagisa asked hurriedly, trying to draw attention away from the fact that Rei was now standing very close to him, clasping his hand painfully tight.

“I was worried about you, Makoto. I dropped by your house last night, but your mother said you’d been out all evening. I waited outside for an hour. Where were you?” Haru sounded worried.

“I…”

**_All the classical music in the world_ **

**_(You, you don't)_ **

**_Couldn't bleed as deeply as_ **

**_(You, you don't)_ **

**_A broken-hearted teenager_ **

**_(You, you don't)_ **

 

“He was with us, Haru senpai.” Rei quickly interjected.

“Yes! I asked him to help me bake a cake for my mother’s birthday.” Nagisa jumped up on the lie with unnecessary enthusiasm.

Haru looked confused, unconvinced. He kept looking at Makoto, and Makoto continued looking anywhere but at Haru’s face.

“We’re getting late for morning practice, we should get a move on.” Rei dragged Nagisa along by the arm. Makoto followed, his gazed fixed on the ground, slightly ahead of Haru instead of beside him.

After a brief pause, Haru followed them, frowning.


	8. Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke's guilt takes over. More angsty stuff. This chapter focuses on the Samezuka side of things.
> 
> Chapter Song: I Don't Like it Like This by The Radio Dept. (Album: Lesser Matters)

“Get up, Yamazaki.” Rin’s anger had only worsened overnight. He hadn’t slept at all, and was worried about whether Rei could help Makoto deal with this mess.

“Ughh…” Sousuke grunted and shifted around on the floor of Nitori and Mikoshiba’s room. He was lying face down, his leather jacket thrown over his head.

Rin kicked him in the side, and he let out another grunt.

When he finally turned around to look up at Rin, Sousuke’s eyes were rimmed with red, the dark shadows under them making his pale face look even paler.

**_Words fail me all the time_ **  
_**I don’t even feel like talking** _  
_**Still I go on and on** _  
_**I’m dying here and you keep walking** _

Nitori looked on curiously but didn’t ask any questions. Momotaro was still asleep, drooling onto his pillow, dreaming peacefully through Rin’s shouting.

“I’m getting up, let me be.” Sousuke’s voice sounded like two rocks scraping against each other, hoarser than ever.

“When you’ve come to your senses, explain to me why you pulled such a horrendous stunt so I can understand why I had to walk Makoto all the way back to his house, take off his shoes, and put him to bed.” Rin spat the words at Sousuke before turning to go.

“You had to take off his shoes?”

Rin stopped at the door- the concern in Sousuke’s voice somehow made him even angrier.

“What the fuck do you care?”

“I…”

“Don’t tell me you actually give a shit now.”

“I…I don’t know…”

“What don’t you know? That you dragged someone as kind and innocent as Makoto into your bullshit?”

“I thought…”

“What? What did you think? You can’t make people love you by hurting their friends, Sousuke. What part of that don’t you understand?”

“I don’t want you to love me Rin.”

“No? Well what the hell do you want from me then?”

“…”

**_Why are you asking me this?_ **  
_**Can’t you see I’m trying?** _  
_**I don’t like it like this** _  
_**No, I think I’m dying** _

“Nothing, huh? Listen Sousuke, we have to share a room, but I really don’t want to deal with you right now, so do me a favor and let’s pretend we don’t know each other for a few days, shall we?”

“Fine by me. I was never good enough for you. I’m not good enough for your friend either. Duly noted.”

“Oh stop with that bullshit self-pity already, Yamazaki. Nitori close your mouth, you could house a family of pigeons in there.”

Rin stormed out of the room, leaving Sousuke sitting on the floor, self-hatred flooding every vein, guilt making his bones brittle.

**_I can’t calm down at all_ **  
_**Panic is what panic feels like** _  
_**Can’t we just stay silent?** _  
_**Speaking now seems far too violent** _

All night, no matter how hard he had tried, Sousuke had not been able to get Makoto’s soft, green eyes out of his mind. Or the way he sounded, holding on to Sousuke’s hand. How broken he looked.

_What have I done…_

After Rin left- left him for Haru, for Makoto, for Nagisa- Sousuke had begun to crumble on the inside. His home life was far from ideal, living with a father who was always working to fill the absence created by his mother’s leaving. Not that Sousuke blamed her for getting out while she still could, starting a new family, sending him cards on his birthdays with gift certificates to shops he hated. No, he blamed himself. He was never good enough for anyone. Not for his mother, not for Rin. Not for Makoto. Not at all, not trash like Sousuke. Makoto deserved so much better, and Sousuke hated himself even more for knowing it. 

That sweet, trusting face. That smile, as bright as the sun reflected in the blue depths of the ocean. Those perfect, red lips that had let him kiss them again and again. Why would someone like Makoto, someone who was Haru’s best friend, care for Sousuke at all? It was pointless to dwell on it. Hadn’t Makoto himself said he was worried about Haru discovering their tryst, was feeling guilty for being with Sousuke because it would hurt Haru?

Dragging himself off the floor, his jacket thrown over one shoulder, Sousuke found himself patting Nitori’s head soothingly before shuffling out of the room.

_No, it wasn’t fucking me that he felt bad about. I should have kissed him again, in front of Rin, in front of Haru, for the whole world to see. He was the only one who accepted me with such frankness, without question, without hesitation. What have I done…_

_**Why are you asking me this?** _  
_**Can’t you see I’m trying?** _  
_**I don’t like it like this** _  
_**No I think I’m dying** _

__

Instead of getting ready for his morning class, Sousuke walked straight to the station and took the first train going out to Iwatobi.


	9. Hopelessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke tries to get Makoto to forgive him. More angst. A tiny hint of Nagisa/Rei. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Graceless by The National (Album: Trouble Will Find Me)

Sousuke was sitting on Makoto’s front porch when Nagisa and Makoto returned from school.

They stopped dead in their tracks as Sousuke stood up and started walking towards them.

Nagisa had insisted on walking Makoto back home, calling it a ‘necessary security measure’. The boy had the instincts of a cat, always on point.

“Makoto…” Sousuke mumbled, looking directly into his green eyes.

“Yamazaki.” Makoto’s voice was distant, flat.

**_Is there a powder to erase this?_ **

**_Is it dissolvable and tasteless?_ **

 

“Get lost. Go away. Go now before I claw your face off.” Nagisa was bristling with cold anger.

“Calm down, Nagisa. I can handle this.” Makoto looked back at Sousuke with a composed face, still and blank.

“But Mako-chan…” Nagisa complained.

“Makoto. I want to talk to you. Alone.” Sousuke demanded desperately.

“No.” Makoto’s voice was heavy, final.

“Please…” Sousuke pleaded.

**_You can’t imagine how I hate this_ **

**_Graceless…_ **

 

Nagisa looked back and forth between them, staring especially hard at Sousuke.

“I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t care to listen to what you have to tell me. Please leave. We are going to pretend nothing happened between us. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. We have nothing to do with each other. Go. Now. Please.” Makoto rattled off the words he’d been composing in his head all morning.

**_I’m trying but I’m graceless_ **

**_Don’t have the sunny side to face this_ **

 

“But…” Sousuke made another attempt to salvage himself.

“You heard Mako-chan. Leave or I will call Rin.” Nagisa stepped forward and firmly placed himself between Makoto and Sousuke.

Looking hard at Makoto’s emotionless face one last time, Sousuke admitted defeat and started to walk away.

Stopping suddenly right beside Makoto, lightning fast, he grabbed a hold of Makoto’s sleeve, staring into his eyes, “Please, Makoto…”

**_I took the medicine, and I went missing_ **

**_Just let me hear your voice, just let me listen…_ **

 

Makoto shook his arm free from Sousuke’s grip and walked inside his house with Nagisa in tow, glaring back at Sousuke. 

As soon as he was out of Soususke’s sight, Makoto let out a sharp breath, holding back the pain that was threatening to push him over the edge.

Nagisa wordlessly took his bag from him and led him to his room. He sat next to Makoto for half an hour. Makoto just stayed on his bed with his head between his hands, silent tears coursing down his face and onto the carpet below. Seeing there was nothing more he could do, Nagisa offered his friend a long, warm hug, and left.

Outside in Makoto’s courtyard, Nagisa almost bumped into a motionless Sousuke, standing stock still where Makoto had left him, his eyes blurred, his face vacant.

**_All of my thoughts of you_ **   
_**Bullets through rock and through** _   
_**Come apart at the seams** _   
_**Now I know what dying means** _

__

“Go back to your dorm Yamazaki, there’s nothing more for you here.” Nagisa felt himself softening at the look on Sousuke’s face, but stuck to his earlier determination to hate the hulking boy forever.

“Yeah…okay…” Sousuke trudged away slowly.

Nagisa sighed and took out his phone.

He typed out a text to Rei.

“I love you. Come see me. Now.”

Followed by, “Bring me a popsicle on your way over.”

This was the first time he had the used the word ‘love’ for Rei. Something in Sousuke’s broken expression made Nagisa finally understand what Rei meant to him, how intensely he was attached to the dork with red glasses. When Rei finally came over, carrying a bag of about 16 different flavored popsicles, because Nagisa had failed to mention which one he wanted, Nagisa flung the bag aside and jumped on to Rei, kissing him with every breath he had in his body.

Alone in his room, Makoto finally got up and washed his face. Realizing that he loved Sousuke, loved him in a way that he didn’t even know existed before, brought an unbidden smile to his face. “But it means nothing, not anymore…” He told his reflection in the mirror, standing up straight, strengthening his resolve. Five minutes later, he found himself on his front porch, staring at the spot where Sousuke had tried to stop him, had begged for him to listen.

**_I'm trying, but I've gone_ **   
**_Through the glass again_ **   
**_Just come and find me…_ **

He sighed deeply, and pulled out his phone.

He dialed Haru’s number.

No one answered, so he left a message.

“Haru, I need to tell you something. Meet me at the beach after sunset.”


	10. What Could Have Been...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Haru share a heart to heart. With a hint of Makoharu, or the way things could have been...
> 
> Chapter Song: Little Lou, Ugly Jack, Prophet John by Belle and Sebastian Ft. Norah Jones (Album: Write About Love)

That night, after confessing everything, Makoto cried on Haru’s shoulder for an hour. They sat on the beach with their arms around each other, watching the waves.

“You know I’m seeing Rin, right?” Haru interjected softly.

“No. But I guessed you would be. You and I rarely hang out anymore.”

“I felt so guilty Makoto. I didn’t know…”

“What? Why would you feel guilty?”

“I thought…I thought maybe you thought of me as more than a friend…”

“Oh.”

 

**_What a waste, I could've been your lover_ **   
_**What a waste, I could've been your friend** _   
_**Perfect love is like a blossom that fades so quick** _   
_**When it's blowing up a storm in May** _

__

“So you didn’t?”

“Maybe a few years back, before Rin returned. I wondered about us. Didn’t you?”

“I did. I teased you a bit too. There were nights like this when I had to stop myself from making a move. But I couldn’t risk losing you as a friend Makoto. You are so important to me. I hope you know that.”

“I do, Haru.”

“I’m sorry, Mako. You deserve a much better friend than I’ve been. I’m going to fix this.” Haru planted a soft kiss on top of Makoto’s head, still resting on his shoulder.

 

**_Yeah you're great, you're just part, of this lifetime of dreaming_ ** **_  
That extends to the heart of this long summer feeling_ **

****

“No one can fix this Haru.” Makoto broke out in fresh tears.

Haru tightened his grip around Makoto's waist, leaning his head against Makoto's.

“Do you love him, Mako?”

“I…I don’t know…”

“If there is even the slightest chance that you care for him, hear him out.”

“No, Haru. I won’t. I can’t. When I’m alone with him, my brain goes numb. I feel like I don’t have any control over myself.”

“You won’t be alone, Mako. I wouldn’t let you deal with this on your own.”

 

**_All the history of boys I invent in my head_ **   
_**Little Lou, Ugly Jack, Prophet John…**_  
  
 _ **What a waste, I could've been your lover …**_


	11. Coming Undone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite his teammates' efforts to keep the two apart, Makoto ends up alone with Sousuke at the Iwatobi/Samezuka joint practice. A teensy bit of Haru x Rin. Plus Rin and Sousuke wondering what it would have been like if they took their friendship to the next level. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Unravel by TK (Tokyo Ghoul OP)
> 
> P.S. Tokyo Ghoul is great.

“You don’t have to go, Sousuke, really.”

“Just say you don’t want me to go, Rin. Just say the words.”

“And will you listen?”

“No.”

Rin sighed dejectedly and finished packing his things for the joint practice with Iwatobi.

He had spent most of the day texting Rei and Nagisa, and being driven to the brink of insanity by the amount of emoticons Nagisa used in a single text. But they had established one thing. Makoto must not be left alone with Sousuke at any rate.

For a second, glancing at the disheveled form of his best friend, Rin felt his heart go out to Sousuke.

But then he remembered the walk back to Makoto’s house that night and steeled himself.

According to Nagisa, Makoto was being similarly insistent that the joint practice go ahead as usual.

At Haru’s house last night, Rin and Haru both sat across from each other on the bed, and tried in vain to figure out what to do. Somehow, their kisses felt dishonest, knowing what their friends were going through. They ended up just lying in bed together, holding each other, not talking.

Rin found himself wondering more and more if he had broken Sousuke’s heart in a way he didn’t realize at the time. Even so, what Sousuke had done to Makoto was unforgivable.

“Fine Yamazaki, let’s get a move on then. You wanna maybe wash your face before we leave though?”

“I thought we were pretending not to know each other. Just like old times, no?”

****

**_Tell me, oh tell me, the way it works_ **

**_Who is that inside of me?_ **

**_Here in this broken-down_ **

**_Broken-down world_ **

 

Rin shook his head and walked out to drag Nitori and Momotaru out of their room where they were fighting over a pair of red swimming trunks, diligently pretending to ignore the rift between their upperclassmen.

Rin grabbed Momotaru by his left ear and dragged him out. On the way to the train station, Aiichirou fell into step beside Sousuke, trying to quietly cheer him by grinning up at him a lot. Sousuke was grateful for it. The constant smiling reminded him of Makoto, and he ruffled Nitori’s hair in quiet gratitude despite the persistent ache in his chest.

When they arrived at Iwatobi, Sousuke could smell hostility in the air.

Rin suddenly turned around to face him, “By the way, Haru knows.”

Sousuke looked up to see Haru standing beside the pool, resting a comforting hand on Makoto’s arm.

He felt his heart stop beating. Then he laughed quietly. “Serves me right, eh Rin?”

****

**_You laugh, without seeing a thing_ **

**_I’m just so damaged_ **

**_I hold my breath and freeze_ **

****

“Yamazaki-senpai…” It was Aii who heard the heartbreak in Sousuke’s words.

“I’ll be fine. I deserve much, much worse Aiichirou.” Sousuke slunk past the pool, following Rin into the changing room, his eyes fixed on Makoto. He wanted some recognition, some reaction. He wanted Makoto to come to him and punch him in the face, to cry and call him names, to shove him into the pool, anything, anything but this blank, unseeing expression, refusing to acknowledge Sousuke’s existence.

**_Breakable, unbreakable_ **

**_Shakeable, unshakeable_ **

**_When I found you, it shook me_ **

Inside the changing room, he took longer than the rest, struggling to take off his clothes with fingers that wouldn’t stop shaking. He hadn’t eaten anything all day, and smoked a bit too much. His head was light and he felt dizzy. When he finally stepped out wearing his swimming gear, the rest had already left for the pool. Instead of going to the pool to join them, he poked around in the pockets of his discarded leather jacket, went behind the change room, and lit up a cigarette.

Letting out a puff of smoke, Sousuke heard a soft gasp to his left. Makoto, still in his uniform, had sought the same place to get away from him. Tossing the lit cigarette aside, Sousuke advanced on Makoto, quickly, desperately, as though his life depended on it.

Makoto’s look of blank despair was replaced by hurt and the kind of pain Sousuke had been carrying inside him for all this time.

“Mako…”

He was so close to Makoto, just like that time he had leaned down to kiss his lips. Makoto turned his face to side, refusing to say a word.

“Makoto, please look at me.”

No response.

Sousuke suddenly grabbed Makoto by the tie, pulled him closer, so close he could feel Makoto’s breath on his face.

Makoto finally turned to look at him, his eyes blurring with the tears he had been forcing back all day.

Sousuke tugged on Makoto’s tie and their lips met. Frantic with an unknown hunger, Sousuke kissed Makoto for as long as he could stand to hold his breath, but Makoto refused to return it.

“Makoto, please, please…”

Tears began to well out of Makoto’s green eyes, washing down his face. Sousuke started kissing him again, all over, tasting his tears, trying to take away the pain he had caused.

“Ma-ko-to…” He punctuated every syllable of Makoto’s name with a desperate kiss.

Makoto stood stock still, arms hanging limply at his sides, tears constantly streaming down his face, refusing to see Sousuke.

**_In this twisted world_ **

**_I’m gradually growing transparent and vanishing_ **

**_Don’t look for me, don’t look at me_ **

Sousuke stepped back, trying to elicit a response, a look, anything…

“Makoto, don’t do this, please.”

He started shaking Makoto, hoping for any reaction- hoping for a kick in the stomach, a slap on the face.

“Makoto, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  

 

“Yamazaki, step away from him.” Haru’s voice was cold, determined.

Knowing he was defeated, Sousuke let go of Makoto and stepped back. Makoto quickly walked away from him, towards Haru.

He stopped beside Haru and looked at his best friend in quiet anxiety. Haru nodded in silent acknowledgement.

“Go home. I’ll deal with this. Go, Mako.”

Sousuke found himself unable to move. Haru stood looking at him from afar, then slowly moved towards him.

To Sousuke’s surprise, he felt a strong hand grab his shoulder. Haru was looking up at him with a mixture of curiosity and disdain. 

“You really fucked up, didn’t you?” Haru asked with a cold sigh. 

“I…I’m sorry…” Sousuke's voice was heavy with the tears he had been holding back. 

“Good.”

“Will you…I have no right to ask this, I know, but…will you help me?”

“With?”

“Makoto. I…I love him.”

“Do you, now?”

“Yes.”

“More than you love Rin?”

“More than…?”

“Well?”

“Y-yes. In a different way, I think.”

“Makoto is really hurting about this, you know. But I think he cares for you. So I will help get you one more chance with him. But for Makoto’s sake. And for Rin’s. Rin worries about you a lot, you know, though he won’t show it.”

“I…”

“Save it for Makoto.”

On the way back to Samezuka, Rin sat next to Sousuke, their shoulders touching. Sousuke leaned against his best friend, and he felt Rin breathe deeply. He had often thought about kissing Rin, how it would feel to be with Rin all the time. It could have been the two of them, but it was never meant to be. He knew that now. What he had felt with Makoto… His love for Rin was so different. He wanted Rin’s attention, but he wanted Makoto to have _him_ , body and soul. Makoto’s disdain was worth more to him now than a hundred kisses from anyone else. 

**_I don’t wish to hurt you in a world_ **

**_Of someone else’s imagining_ **

**_Remember who I am…_ **


	12. Salvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru helps Sousuke make things right with Makoto. Things heat up a little bit. More angst. 
> 
> Chapter Song: Trying Your Luck by The Strokes (Album: Is This It)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter contains a sex scene which can be perceived as non-consensual and involves roughness.

“Haru, you should have asked us all before setting this up, really.” Makoto sounded desperate.

“Haru-senpai, was this really necessary?” Rei’s sounded worried, and kept glancing sideways at Makoto.

“Did Rin-chan agree to this?” Nagisa wondered aloud.

“Rin does not know. I talked to Sousuke. The two of us set this up.” Haru replied calmly.

“It will be okay, Nagisa, Rei. I already told Haru what happened between me and Sousuke. I’m done with him, and he knows that. We can all go back to being normal now.” Makoto could not bring himself to believe the words coming out of his mouth, and his voice faltered with the uncertainty.

Haruka reached up a hand and ruffled Makoto’s hair affectionately.

The four of them left the train station and started walking towards the coffee shop Sousuke had invited them to. Rin and Sousuke were already waiting outside when the Iwatobi boys got there.

Rin moved forward, looking annoyed.

“Haru this is not cool, and you know it. You could have at least told me.”

“Calm down Rin. This is better than letting whatever problems we have fester under the surface, and risk more people getting hurt for no reason.” Haru frowned directly at Sousuke, and Rin immediately softened at the distant look on Makoto’s face.

Sousuke had not looked anywhere but at Makoto’s face the whole time. Nagisa let out an annoyed snort at Sousuke and dragged Makoto inside, keeping as much distance between Makoto and Sousuke as possible. Makoto made sure he was sitting at the far end of the table, away from Sousuke. But that did not stop Sousuke from continuing to stare at him, and Makoto felt himself going unexpectedly red under the blue-eyed gaze.

**_You said you couldn't stay_ **  
_**You'd seen it all before** _  
_**I know** _

Unable to deal with the upsurge of strange emotions mingling together in his heart, Makoto excused himself and ran for the men’s room.

Without a word, Sousuke got up and followed. When Rin tried to stop him, Haru glanced at him meaningfully and Rin sat back down.

“This is not your best plan Haru-chan.” Nagisa looked furious, but Rei’s firm grip on his shoulder prevented him from running after Sousuke and tackling him.

 **_They sold you on their way_ ** **_  
Oh honey that's ok_ **

Inside the washroom, Makoto splashed cold water on his face and tried to calm his agitated breathing.

“Ma-ko-to..” The three syllables were uttered with such longing, such pain in them that Makoto felt his breath catch despite himself.

“What are you doing here?”

“Stalking you, obviously.”

Sousuke seemed to regain his smirking composure now that Makoto was acknowledging his existence.

“I don’t have anything to say to you, Yamazaki.”

“That’s fine. Just listen then.”

Sousuke moved closer to Makoto, reaching out to grab him by the shoulders.

“Stop it, Yamazaki.”

“Stop calling me Yamazaki.”

Makoto struggled against Sousuke’s grasp but was unable to free himself. He found himself pushed up against the wall, Sousuke’s heavy breath in his face, his eyes searching Makoto’s face for a hint of anything but the blankness which had replaced his smile since that night in Sousuke’s dorm room.

**_No harm, he's armed_ **  
_**Setting off all your alarms** _

“Mako, please, I don’t know how to let you know how I feel about you. How much I hate myself for doing what I did. How much I hate myself anyway…” Sousuke’s voice trailed off, and his eyes blurred with tears.

“I’m not interested, Yamazaki. Let me go.” Makoto kept himself stern against the pleading sadness in Sousuke’s words.

“I can’t, Makoto. I can’t let you go.”

Sousuke pushed his body against Makoto with as much force as he could muster, grabbing him by the collar. Sousuke’s right knee shoved itself between Makoto’s thighs, forcing his legs apart, and Makoto heard himself groan with unexpected pleasure.

Embarrassed at this reaction, Makoto did his best to shove Sousuke aside, but the struggle only increased the friction between their bodies. Sousuke was pressed up against him so hard that Makoto felt they would melt together.

 **_When I find out_ ** **_  
I hope it's you who set this trap_ **

Sousuke started kissing Makoto, his tongue pried Makoto’s lips open, hungry, desperate. Makoto returned the kiss, unable to stop the surge of desire and affection rising inside him, hating himself for it.

Makoto felt himself get hard as Sousuke moved his knee between his thighs. Sousuke broke the kiss and pulled back to stare at Makoto, drinking in every detail, noting down every hint of red in Makoto’s cheek.

“Let go, please Sousuke…”

“No.”

Before Makoto could gather his defences to free himself again, Sousuke reached down and unzipped Makoto’s jeans. Zipping down Makoto’s pants, he gripped his hard cock. Makoto moaned a bit too loudly, and found his mouth pressed shut by Sousuke’s free hand. After a minute or so, their groins pressed against each other, Makoto naked from the waist down, Sousuke still in his pants, Sousuke took away his hand, and their lips met again, urgently, hurriedly. They stayed that way until they both came, inextricably caught up in each other, sweaty, breathless.

Finally, with the greatest effort, Makoto managed to extract himself from Sousuke’s embrace.

“This means nothing, Yamazaki.” Makoto pulled up his pants, and shoved Sousuke aside.

 **_And storefronts rarely change_ **  
_**At least I'm on my own again instead of**_  
_**Anywhere with you**_  
_**I tell me it's all the same…**_

__

“Mako….”

“No, you don’t get to say my name. You don’t get to talk to me. You don’t get to do anything. We’re done here. You’re done taking advantage of me.”

**_And I've lost my place again_ **  
_**I know this is so rare** _  
_**But I'll try my luck with you** _

Sousuke’s face flushed, a frantic hunger overtook him, and he lunged at Makoto, falling on top of him on the cold, tiled floor. He could not let Makoto leave like this. If he left now, without making it right between them, Sousuke knew there would not be another chance.

“Get off, Yamazaki!”

“NO!”

“I swear I will break your jaw.”

“Then do it, Mako! Do it! Hurt me, hit me, make me bleed on the floor but please, please forgive me…”

Sousuke buried his face into Makoto’s chest and started to cry.

“Sousuke?”

“I love you, Mako. I love you, and I can’t…”

“Sousuke…”

“I don’t care if you hate me for the rest of my life. I don’t care if you leave me for Haru. I don’t care if you never talk to me again. But don’t cut me out of your life, don’t pretend I don’t exist. I can’t bear it, Mako. I won’t be able to stand it. I won’t be left behind again…”

 

**_This life is on my side_ **  
_**Oh I am your one** _  
_**Believe me, this is a chance…** _

 

Makoto sighed and forced himself to sit up, supporting the sobbing mess that was Sousuke against his chest.

“I can’t hate you Sousuke. I’ve been trying. I’ve been forcing myself to stay awake at night, picturing your face, wanting to hurt you. But I realized it was only because I wanted to see you again. And again. And again.”

“Mako…” Sousuke hugged Makoto harder than ever before, his face pressed into the front of Makoto’s hoodie.

“I can’t just let you back into my life, though. You have to make me believe that I can trust you. It won’t be simple.”

“I know. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“Sounds fair then.” Makoto found himself smiling again, a heavy burden lifted from his chest.

“I would die for you Makoto.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

**_No harm, he's armed_ **  
_**Setting off all your alarms** _

This time it was Makoto who lifted up Sousuke’s face, glistening with tears, strained with pain, and kissed his lips raw.

“You know, we’re really lucky no one decided to come in while we were, um, busy…” Sousuke smiled at Makoto.

“I think that was probably Haru’s doing.”

“I can’t believe I’ve hated him all this time. Now I realize I owe him everything. He makes Rin happy. He makes you happy. He led me to you. I don’t know how to thank him.”

“Oh that’s simple. Buy him as much mackerel as you can afford.”

They looked at each other and started laughing.

 **_Entranced, I can't_ ** **_  
Be here in time I'll think about that_ **


	13. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pure Makoto and Sousuke dating fluff to make up for the earlier angst. Enjoy.
> 
> Chapter Song: Where You'll Find Me Now by Neutral Milk Hotel (Album: On Avery Island)

Two days later, Sousuke was outside Makoto’s house with a box of his favorite chocolates- information he’d obtained from Rin after bribing him with his favorite energy drink procured from the dorm’s wending machine at 1 am. He was wearing a button-down light blue shirt with jeans. No sign of the leather jacket. Rin had made sure of that. His hair was actually combed and set in place with gel borrowed from Nitori. He rang the doorbell, nervously wondering if he’d put on too much cologne.

Two small balls of uncontrollable energy opened the door and almost knocked him down.

“Are those for us?” Ren asked.

“No stupid, they’re for onii-chan. Obviously. Hello, are you Sousuke-san?” Ran graciously took the chocolate from him anyway, and led him in.

Makoto was putting on a forest-green hoodie over a white t-shirt. He smiled nervously at Sousuke, and Sousuke felt himself go red all over.

 

**_All I perceive is wasted and broken_**

_**Silvery streams, sacred when spoken** _

_**Slam into me and into the ditch of deb** **ris...** _

 

“Ready, Makoto?”

“Yes, almost. Just a minute.”

Makoto grabbed Ren and Ran by turn, and stuffed them into matching yellow jackets.

“Come on, then.”

“Wait, are they um… are they going with us?”

“Yes. Is that a problem?” Makoto amusedly cocked an eyebrow at Sousuke’s disgruntled face.

“No, um, not at all.”

“Good. Now then, first we have to take them to the supermarket to buy some school supplies. And then off to the café for some ice cream. We’ll stop by the park on our way back. Oh, and we’re having dinner at Haru’s.” Makoto smiled brightly at Sousuke, as Ran took him by the hand and led him out the door.

“What…” Sousuke’s plans for a solitary walk along the beach followed by a quiet dinner in town crumbled to pieces around him.

Continuing to smile, with a fidgeting Ren tucked under one strong arm, Makoto grabbed his messenger bag, and they set off together.

“Why are you all dressed up, Sousuke-san?” Ran looked up at him with mild curiosity.

“Oh, err, I wanted to look nice for your brother…” Sousuke blushed himself stupid, and tried not to look at Makoto, suddenly aware of how over-dressed he was.

A second later, he felt Makoto take hold of his free hand and squeeze it. Breathing a sigh of relief, he returned the pressure, finding it hard to believe that he was walking beside the boy he loved, holding his hand, watching him smile.

 

**_But I let you down_ **

**_And swollen and small is where you'll find me now_ **

**_With that silver stripping off..._  **

 

“I miss the leather jacket, you know.” Makoto leaned in and whispered sweetly in his ear.

Sousuke had to use every ounce of self-control in his body to stop himself from pouncing on Makoto right then and there.

An only child, Sousuke was amazed at the amount of arguing and hair-pulling involved in the simple act of buying pencils and crayons. To his surprise, he enjoyed himself immensely, watching Makoto gently restrain the twins, cajoling them into choosing the right items.

The twins were putting on their best performance for onii-chan’s boyfriend (which meant that they were taking every opportunity to show each other down and bickering constantly), and Makoto had his hands full. Inwardly, he started to regret bringing his siblings along. Now that he thought about it, he’d much rather spend this evening with his tongue inside Sousuke’s mouth, teasing, laughing, just being close to each other…

But he knew that was not possible, not just yet. He still felt distant from Sousuke; there was still some work left to do before he felt safe with this blue-eyed boy currently giving Ran a piggy-back ride to the café.

 

_**From my tongue you're tearing out** _

_**And you'll never hear me talk…** _

 

They ordered 4 sundaes, and sat at a table by the window overlooking the ocean, waiting for their ice cream. Looking at Makoto across the table, Sousuke felt his heart grow so full with a surge of affection, he thought it would burst. Makoto was busy resolving a dispute between the twins about which ice cream flavor was the best, and Sousuke took his time staring at Makoto’s face, taking in every little detail. His smiling green eyes, his soft red lips, the lower one curving just a bit too much, just enough for Sousuke to take between his teeth and bite lightly…

 

**_Your teeth believe that teeth are for tearing_**

_**Tear into me and the scent of you sweating smells good to me** _

_**As long as we keep in our clothes…** _

 

The sundaes were a messy affair, with Makoto having to wipe chocolate sauce from the twins’ noses, hands, and strands of hair every two minutes. Sousuke dazedly found himself fantasizing about a future with Makoto, with kids of their own…

Living with Makoto. Sleeping with him every night, being able to kiss him whenever he pleased. Waking up next to Makoto, cooking dinner with Makoto, sharing the same bed, the same shower, wearing each other’s t-shirts, fucking each other senseless whenever the mood took them over…

Sousuke blushed furiously at this train of thought, but couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wanted to kiss Makoto, to hold him, to do things to him that made his ears burn red, and his smile widened in anticipation.

At the park, Sousuke acted the part of a large, angry bear at the twins’ request and chased them all around, growling and laughing. They got back to Makoto’s house after sunset, Ren and Ran sleeping in their arms.

 

**_And out in the dark the world is still rolling_**

_**Kids in their cars, cigarette smoking** _

_**And all that they are just reeks with the sweetest belief...** _

 

Makoto’s parents would not hear of them leaving for Haru’s without having tea first. They took this opportunity to interrogate Sousuke about every aspect of his academic and personal life. Makoto had never brought anyone home with him before, though his parents were half-convinced that he was secretly dating Haru, hoping he’d come clean sooner than later. Now that he had introduced them to his first boyfriend, their minds were at ease, though they still wanted to make sure Sousuke was right for their kind, gentle son.

Talking about his mother was especially painful for him, but Sousuke blurted out every detail, even though his voice threatened to break. He felt Makoto take his hand under the table, and hold it tight.

 

**_All I could want is silver and spinning_**

_**Out from your arms and into the pretty pit of your heart** _

_**So simply and softly we'd flow...** _

****

Outside, under the clear starry sky, Makoto put his arms around Sousuke and held him close. Any plans to have dinner with Rin and Haru were soon abandoned as they walked down to the beach and started kissing on the sand, unable to let go of each other. Makoto sent a hurried text apologizing to Haru for not making it, teeming with misspelled words, as Sousuke kissed his neck and shoved a hand under his t-shirt to trace the outline of his spine with his index finger.

Haru and Rin, already expecting something like this to happen, quickly ate the mackerel Haru had prepared for dinner (Sousuke ended up buying him a year’s supply) and had dessert in Haru’s bed, licking green tea ice cream off each other, ending the night in Haru’s bathtub, making plans for a future together.

Makoto and Sousuke continued dating each other, meeting up every weekend, sometimes alone, sometimes with their friends. Nagisa and Rei insisted on arranging triple dates once a month, and Sousuke was made to pay for them all for the first two times as penance.

Sousuke found the courage to tell his father about Makoto a couple of months after they started going out, and was pleasantly surprised when his father asked to be introduced to Makoto. They had dinner at his father’s Tokyo office, visiting the city together for the weekend. Makoto made such an impression on Sousuke’s distant father that he assured them he would pay for the wedding, whenever that happened, and must be invited to dinner at their house on every major holiday. Watching Makoto laugh with such joy in his eyes at hearing Sousuke’s father plan out their future, Sousuke found himself feeling unbidden love for his father for the first time in years. Sousuke hugged his father before they parted, surprising the lonely man with the sudden show of warmth, and both of them beamed at Makoto.

**_Into you I will glow_**

**_Into you…_ **

Makoto insisted on keeping everything simple until he was ready to be intimate with Sousuke again. They spent their evenings together, kissing and listening to music. Sousuke, knowing a bit of English, was able to translate a few songs Makoto loved but didn’t understand. They would lay in bed next to each other, sharing Makoto’s earbuds, Sousuke whispering song lyrics into Makoto’s ear. Makoto sighing at the pleasure of their nearness, the growing warmth and ease between them.

3 months after they started seeing each other properly, Makoto came to Sousuke’s dorm room late at night, after having confirmed from Haru that Rin would be spending the night away from Samezuka. Taking Rin’s room key from him, he almost gave Sousuke a heart attack by slipping into bed next to him, wearing nothing at all. Sousuke thought he was dreaming at first, but Makoto’s mouth on his cock, his tongue caressing the tip, brought him to his senses. They spent the night together, pleasuring each other over and over until they didn’t have an ounce of strength left in their bodies, wearing themselves out with their anxious, eager love-making.  They went to sleep with Sousuke still inside Makoto, his arms wrapped around him, unwilling to let go.

Slowly, their lives converged more and more. Sousuke often took Makoto swimming in the ocean late at night, and Makoto found out that he only felt safe if he was near Sousuke. By the time they graduated high school, there was no doubt that they were completely, absolutely, inevitably in love with each other.

**_Into you I will glow_**

**_Into you…_ **


	14. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto and Sousuke's happily ever after. (Because I'm a sucker for these two and I have to give them the fluffiest of endings for all their pain, or I won't be able to sleep at night.) 
> 
> Chapter Song: I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li (Single)

Makoto Tachibana is 27 years old. It’s been a long day and he is on the verge of falling asleep, smiling for no reason at all.

“Ma-ko-to…” Sousuke marks every syllable of his lover’s name with a kiss on Makoto’s neck.

“Let me sleep, you good-for-nothing asshole.” Makoto saves these insults for when they’re alone. Only Sousuke knows he has it in him to use language so filthy when they're in bed together, it’d make a sailor blush.

“But Ma-ko-tooooo…” The same kiss-punctuated utterance.

 

**_Oh I beg you, can I follow?_ ** **_  
Oh I ask you, why not always?_ **

 

Slowly, Makoto shifts around in bed to face Sousuke. Face to face with his husband, Makoto opens his eyes and meets his gaze. Sousuke is smiling as brightly as the rising sun. They share a long, soft kiss, breathing into each other’s mouths, arms and legs completely entangled. Their love making is no longer frantic, unpaced. They take their time, exploring every inch of skin, kissing every nook, memorizing every sigh, every moan.

 --------- **\-----------** **\---------**

                    

After finishing high school, Makoto went to the local college, while Sousuke was scouted by one of the top universities in the country. He had been heartbroken about leaving Makoto first, but their long-distance relationship had brought many pleasures of its own. Every month, Makoto surprised Sousuke by showing up at his off-campus apartment, cooking him his favorite lunch in nothing but an apron. Every month, Sousuke made a new playlist for Makoto and made him listen to it at night, clutching Makoto to him, humming into the back of his head.

After graduating from college, Makoto found a teaching job at the Iwatobi pre-school. Sousuke returned to place he had learned to love more than anywhere else, and became a swimming coach at his boyfriend’s old school. Sousuke kept up with his competitive swimming as well, and when he went away to participate in competitions, Makoto would take over as swim coach at Iwatobi High and revel in the nostalgia of his school days. Makoto did not choose swimming as a career at the end, though he and Sousuke had private races of their own sometimes.

On Makoto’s 25th birthday, Sousuke proposed. They went for a late night swim in the ocean (something Makoto had learned to love to with Sousuke at his side), and made love in the shallow water under the light of a new moon. Sitting on the beach afterwards, watching the waves roll in, Sousuke had softly asked, whispering in Makoto’s ears, if he’d marry him. Makoto simply reached into the pocket of Sousuke’s discarded pants, pulled out a thin silver ring engraved with their names, and put it on, smiling at Sousuke.

**_Be the ocean, where I unravel_ ** **_  
Be my only, be the water where I'm wading._ **

****

They got married 6 months later. Rin and Haru returned from Australia to attend the wedding, where they had gone to attend university, and then started up their lives together as world-class swimmers. Nagisa and Rei arrived in Iwatobi a month early from Tokyo to help plan it. It was a simple ceremony, held at Makoto’s childhood home. His mother insisted on baking the cake herself, his father built the small archway and decorated it with the last cherry blossoms of the year. Sousuke’s father, true to his word, covered the rest of the expenses. The small courtyard littered with the memories of all their kisses, their heartbreaks, became the place of their greatest joy.

 

                               --------- **\-----------** **\---------**

“Ma-ko-to…”

“What is it now…”

“Kiss me again, please…”

Turning around in the narrow bed they share in their small apartment, starting out their lives together, Makoto looks into Sousuke’s eyes. Green reflected into blue, blue deepening into green, the colors seeping into each other, becoming indistinguishable.

“No, you kiss me…”

“On the count of three, then?”

**_You're my river running high,_ ** **_  
Run deep, run wild._ **

 

Laughing, Makoto’s lips find Sousuke’s before he has the chance to start counting.

Sousuke breaks the kiss momentarily to stare at Makoto.

“I love you, you know. So much.”

“Yes. I know. Douchebag.”

“My stupid angelic husband.”

“You’re lucky to have me.”

“Don’t I know it.”

They fall asleep every night facing each other. They wake up every morning with Makoto’s back to Sousuke, nestled together, Sousuke’s arms firmly draped around Makoto, softly breathing into the nape of his neck, afraid of letting go.

**_I, I follow, I follow you_ ** **_  
Deep sea baby, I follow you…_ **


End file.
